december 1, a gentle entrance back in

is anyone still out there? i'm writing again

It is December first, and I woke up with a renewed sense of commitment to myself.

Maybe it was being out until 3 in the morning with my some of my very best friends in the world, talking and laughing, and cursing the universe about the fact that each year we see each other less and less.

The sheer goodness of it all.

But waking up today, it feels like I am ready to stop being so afraid of my own feelings, and it feels like I’ve come back home to myself, in a way.

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I am a cancer rising, a fact that, as I’ve learned more about astrology, I hold with great pride. For the non-believers out there, I’ll need you to grin and bear with me for a moment — but if it helps, consider the use of astrology as simply a framework to understand this deeply confusing (fucked up) world.

Caveat aside, I think astrology is pretty cool. I’ve talked about it before in a previous newsletter - specifically, astrocartography, and I just find it fascinating that people have chosen patterns of stars, planets, and other celestial bodies in the sky to make sense of everything down here. It makes me feel connected to the universe in an oddly comforting way.

Yes, we are an insignificant speck of dust considering the sheer magnitude of the universe, AND, we are also all intimately connected to the universe, and each other, in ways we’re only just starting to understand.

Anyway. If you’re on the woo-woo train with me here, great. If not, read anyway!

In astrology, the ascendant is known as “the astrological sign on the eastern horizon when the person was born.” It is the sign that is “rising” across the horizon when you are born, and the most personal placement in your birth char.t. It’s the reason why people say it’s so important to know your birth time to the minute.

So, when I was born on July 29th, 1999, at 5:02AM in New York City, Cancer was the sign rising on the eastern horizon as I popped out earthside, screaming, crying, and pooping.

The sign of cancer is a water sign ruled by the moon. My brother is a cancer sun, born on July 5th, and known famously by my family as crybaby child (he cried at his first birthday when they sang happy birthday, and my mom used it as a party trick once or twice after).

As a cancer rising, though, my personality, strengths, and areas of growth (see how I didn’t say weaknesses? My therapist would be proud) are understood differently than a cancer sun like my brother.

According to my preferred source of astrological wisdom, Chani Nicholas, the cancer rising is best described as:

“I your ascendant is in Cancer, the Moon is your ruling planet, which means you’ll want to be known for your ability to care for your cohorts, friends, and family members, initiating them into the realms of the heart. This rising sign is driven to remember the “tender trivia” about those they love. A Cancer ascendant rejoices in recalling how their dear ones take their tea, feel about their parents, or like to recharge their batteries.

While others may interpret your style as simply compassionate, there is a strong streak of tenaciousness at play here as well. This is a placement that knows how to grip memories, histories, and/or resentments tightly in its claws. Taking time to nurture yourself too will keep you sparkly, vibrant, and able to show up for those around you, resentment-free.”

I resonate deeply with the need, desire, and overwhelming call to care for my people. I revel in the ways I can support my community, be they friends, family, or passers-by. But I also struggle with the desire to care for others almost intuitively, while not reciprocating the same feelings towards myself.

Maybe its the new moon in sagittarius happening right now. Maybe it’s the therapy, and the EMDR. Maybe it’s living in California and finally being ready to create a home there. Maybe it was the tequila I drank last night, or the fact that I looked really really good last night (and most importantly, felt like it). Maybe it’s my frontal lobes fusing. Maybe it’s the change in seasons, the way the tender golden light of autumn, shining upon vibrant red trees, and a soft blue and orange sky, makes me feel.

Or maybe it’s just me finally being ready to assert my needs in my relationships, to ask for more from people who care enough about me to give it, to be angry, to be messy, to be complicated, in the way that I have fully accepted others to be, but have refused to accept for myself.

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As I’m writing this, I am keenly aware that it sounds like pieces I have written before. Perhaps each time I recommit to myself in this way, vowing to honor my feelings - even the messy ones- I am getting a little bit closer to it becoming a habit instead of a change from the norm. The choice to include astrology is the ode to my never-ending quest of trying to figure out why I am the way I am, and how to fix it. Maybe that’s the problem, though.

I am constantly looking for the “thing” that will make me explainable, understandable, palatable, lovable (?). I should spend more time thinking less about finding a fix, and more about authenticity.

I am not to be understood for the purpose of being fixed.

I’ll say it until I believe it.

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(and i’m trying something new here)