happy new year!!!
i think i am going to celebrate being alive this year
it’s 2023! it’s been a year of sunday scaries! i still can’t commit to a consistent release schedule! (we’re trying once a month now, so)
nothing to say to preface this piece, just that i am so grateful to anyone who reads what i have to say and who encourages me to keep going. i always appreciate feedback, and more than ever (my job is driving me insane) those who share my writing with others. inshallah/ojalá me in a writer’s room 2023….
right before new year’s, i showed a friend of mine (hi steph) her astrocartography chart. i forget exactly how it came up in conversation, but i can only assume the context was something related to the ever-daunting nature of life, and the difficulty of planning what comes next.
We looked together at places she’s been and places she’d like to go, and found some pretty interesting things that - to a skeptic, could be just coincidence, but to a believer, the ordinary spectacularity of the universe working exactly how it’s meant to.
Now, I’m no expert in astrology the way that some people can understand coordinates and conjunctions and transits and profections (i don’t know what those words mean), but I do find astrocartography quite interesting.
if you’re unfamiliar with the concept here’s a pretty digestible definition I found:
“Pioneered by an astrologer named Jim Lewis in the 1970s, astrocartography (or locational astrology) is a system that allows you to see how your perspective on the world, energy, love, and career prospects might be influenced when you travel or lay down roots somewhere new.” (Maressa Brown, shape.com)
you can see your own chart here! (do i need a disclaimer for that? results may vary? i am not liable for any major life decisions you make cause i shared that link with you???
I think it’s pretty cool that we have given profound meaning to stars, planets, comets, and other celestial things that I’d argue we’re just only beginning to understand on a physical-scientific level. I mean, think about it — millennia before man stepped foot on the moon, people were using the moon to understand time, seasons, and their own deities. it’s not quite the same thing, but i like the idea that humanity has always tried to make sense of the unknown — not just fact or their inarguable purposes, either, but profound meaningfulness that can only be created from an open mind.
when my friend and I discussed her chart, she said something indicating her shock that our lives could be so planned out — and questioned (if all of these predictions are true) if we even have free will. it wasn’t a comment that i was supposed to ponder for the entire month, but I can’t help myself. (And it made for a pretty good segue into what I want to talk about in this week’s (month’s?) newsletter)
The concept of free will is interesting to me. Sure, there’s no puppet-strings attached to my fingers right now, making me write this newsletter at the whim of some giant. (If there were, I’d certainly appreciate a little more caution because I am making a LOT of typos).But, I can’t imagine that the broader behaviors of humanity aren’t guided by something more powerful.
That feels very….basic…very, black and white- like, yes, our minuscule actions aren’t controlled in the day to day, but there are things that influence our paths and journeys…duh?
I guess I struggle to place the level of control we have over our lives especially as someone who believes in astrology as an influencing force, and to a certain extent, is also comforted by the idea. I think about like, propaganda, and how political ideologies are created. American imperialism, capitalism, and white supremacy, for example, guide our choices every single day in so many aspects of our life. Even if you don’t believe in astrology at all, and therefore its connection to free will, isn’t your own free will still compromised by a world that wants us to think and behave in a very particular way?
I hope i’m not getting too convoluted here — I don’t think I meant to get this philosophical, but rather to express that in the if astrology is the thing that controls us, our communities, our societies, our ecosystems, I don’t mind. Maybe it sounds a little hippy-dippy, but I’d rather be guided by the sun and the moon than the belief that like, hard work in the career of my “choosing” will bring me to one day to happiness.
anyway.
my astrocartography chart seems to convey that out here in the bay, the moon and uranus (ha) are guiding forces in my life. The thick blue and black lines present in the region surrounding San Francisco indicate quite a few things, but this explanation sticks out to me.
“A stay at such a place can bring a greater awareness of your unconscious motivation. You thereby gain insights into hidden dimensions of your psyche, and you begin to see how the subtle influences stemming from your mother have affected your social and professional development. You learn to distinguish between your own inner motives and outside influence.”
It’s only been 7 months since I moved out here, and maybe I’m misunderstanding what the above paragraph means, or how to interpret my astrocartography map — but last year, when I saw so many lines crossing and intersecting around the place where my new job was, I felt so at peace. I felt like there was something, through the misery of job hunting, the confusion about how to gain a sense of control over my life post graduation, and the uncertainty of how to build a life that I was proud of, that brought me here.
I can’t really say I’ve felt that peace since I moved out here, though, and especially as of late. My job, where I live, being so far from my family, have all tangled into something heavy that is constantly on my mind - there is a dissatisfaction I feel no matter how much I try to make a new home for myself.
I am once again confused about what I am doing and what comes next.
the turn of the new year always makes me extra reflective, as I’m sure it does for many. questions of what I’ve done with my life so far, and the opportunity of a new 12 months to take advantage of excite me as much as they make me nervous.
i know that the marker of a gregorian calendar year is arbitrary as it relates to personal changes -habits, routines, big changes, can happen any time. The clock striking midnight on january 1st doesn’t automatically make you ready to achieve a goal. But I think in the past few years, I’ve chosen to be a little less nihilistic about that, choosing to celebrate the past, and look forward to the future. it isn’t anything profound, or groundbreaking, but it has made me find a little more joy, and made me feel a little more control over myself.
and, i think that’s what all this is really about, this crisis of mine. the back and forth of “is there a plan set out for me that I just need to trust?” and “in order to change my life, i need to do something about it”
the obvious truth is that it’s probably some combination of both that I have not mastered. I continue to wait for a giant, neon-lit, blinking sign to tell me where to go next, knowing that it will never come. maybe the sign is the constant introspection and wondering about how to feel in control of my life — maybe the feeling of lack is what spurs me into action.
maybe i need to trust myself a little more knowing that i am just as much part of the universe as the sun, moon and stars are. they gently cradle me into a future that I still have to water, tend to, and grow myself.
—
there may be an astrocartography map, but there is no blueprint. i am responsible for my happiness, finding it at random in corners and shadows, and creating it intentionally around me with people i love. this year, i hope i can lean into the idea that the plan set out for me is one that i can choose to welcome or reject, every single step of the way. i know that my drive for free will is only as good as my choice to intertwine my life intricately and beautifully with people around me, and i hope i never forget that. that freedom of choice is always there, but that it’s more important when those choices enlighten, embolden, and create joy for myself, and my loved ones.
life can be so beautiful, and this year, i am making myself see that beauty for all it is. and that feels like the most important choice.
happy new year, friends.