I never watched that show Suburgatory, but whoever came up with that name was right
how many athleisure sets does it take to get to the bottom of my general instability?
happy February, bffs <3 after a little delay, i’m back with a new and v long sunday* scaries. This week, I talk about home, girlbossing, and best friendship with two people who I love and admire.
thanks for your patience, and hope you enjoy
*yeah it’s “monday” but im unemployed so what’s the difference?
To bestie, or not to bestie, that is the question…
When I was younger, my parents used to joke that I had the memory of an elephant because, often to their misfortune, I frequently remembered random details, conversations, and information with careful accuracy. Ironically, I can’t provide an example of this because I don’t remember any, but like...just believe me <3
Aside from getting to get one over on my parents cause I remembered something they didn’t, it’s a lot of fun to also have memories from childhood - even when the other people involved can’t recall.
I remember in kindergarten, seeing Brendon and Alana playing with those colorful cardboard “blocks” we had in our classrooms, and approaching them to join. (they don’t recall, but it HAPPENED)
Or, in first grade, when Hazel came over to my house to play with barbies - I can still see us standing at the top of the stairs with my pink barbie cruise ship.
There’s the funny, but mildly traumatizing, memory of fifth grade me, going up to Marie at recess and asking her if she remembered me from pre-k, and her looking apologetic as she replied “no <3”
These memories are definitely also a testament to the benefits of growing up in a small town and having typical, almost after-school-special-like experiences. I didn’t have like, a treehouse in my backyard, and I NEVER drank a glass of milk with my dinner, but I was, in fact, a girl scout, and some of my best friends in the entire world did/do live on the adjacent blocks.
It’s not an exaggeration to say that growing up in Teaneck was absolutely formative for me. I was surrounded by really good people here, and I credit my parents a lot for bringing us here and very intentionally building our community so that it comprised of people who truly cared for us, who we could rely on and who feel like home. I know that my own efforts to make friends throughout my childhood and in college have been a (successful) attempt to replicate the same feeling of home that teaneck brings.
One of the most meaningful pieces of my life is the uniquely close relationship that I have with my friends from Teaneck- especially knowing how rare it is to maintain groups of friends, childhood friends even more so. I struggle to put into words what these people mean to me. Our lives have been so intricately connected for so long that being friends with them, loving them, and growing alongside them feels as natural as breathing, blinking. It’s especially remarkable, to me, that we can come together after months apart and find ways to feel closer with one another - the distance of college has allowed us the truly beautiful process of getting to know each other all over again.
Girlbossing 101
When I visualize this strange and confusing era of my life, it feels like an Alice in Wonderland-esque version of myself growing and shrinking and figuring out what feels most comfortable, most natural. I am trying on different versions of myself. I am stretching my definition of home to see if I still fit there.
Returning to Teaneck after college was something I felt like I needed to do. Senior year was kind of an emotional and mental ass beating, and especially after having spent so much time at home post-March 2020, being away from my family felt foreign and uncomfortable in a way that confused me. I thought I would be ready to take on the world with my fancy new degree, but I really just wanted my mom. Being lost in every other aspect of my life felt a little more okay if I was grounded in a home.
I quickly learned, though, that this homecoming was very different than others. It wasn’t the brief respites of winter and summer breaks - a desperate, mad-dash escape from the permanent brain scramble that I associated with Providence. My sense of community had been disturbed - friends would not be returning to Teaneck, instead making homes elsewhere; the social activities I’d once been a part of unavailable due to the pandemic.
Feeling so isolated was difficult, but I busied myself during the summer working three remote jobs (not my finest idea), and it wasn’t until that was over that I really felt like an unemployed, 22-year-old, try hard whose only identity was “being good at school,” living in a suburb made for young families and older, post-retirement age folks. No offense to people with kids or old people, but I am neither of the above and not planning on it - despite the random deliveries of similac and diaper samples that keep coming my house, addressed to me.
Born from this feeling of unsettled-ness came an obsessive need to reinvent myself through health and wellness, which I quickly learned was not sustainable at all. It took months, but I was able to eventually figure out that what I needed wasn’t the same 10 step shower routine as some random (rich, skinny, white) girl on tiktok.
I credit my therapist (go Julie!) with helping me see that there isn’t a one-size-fits all to wellness, health, or “self-improvement” and pushing me to just do what feels right for me. I needed the validation from someone else that it was FINE not to wake up at 7:30 am to make my bed immediately, go for a run, drink a smoothie with fucking spirulina (i literally don’t know what that is), and then meditate and journal after a lavender shower.
Recently, I talked with my friend Miya about the whole concept of “that girl” which has taken over social media, especially tiktok, since the pandemic started. It reminded me of those thoughts I’d unpacked when I was trying really hard to do the whole wellness thing using examples that seemed aesthetically pleasing. Miya and I agreed that the whole push to become “that girl” was a fruitless exercise in meeting an arbitrary standard informed by capitalism and materialism.
It was interesting to reflect on how firm my own values and beliefs about capitalism and materialism are, but still falling into the trap and participating in this robotic self-care culture, knowing it wasn’t going to work for me.
(I wish i’d really internalized that before buying so much athleisure...)
Our conversation enlightened me that the decision to participate in “that girl” culture doesn’t exist in a vacuum.
Like, for me, a lot of it was heavily rooted in body image/self esteem issues that I was ignoring. Seeing these skinny women make tiktoks and be conventionally attractive and live their lives (seemingly) was the antithesis to my own anxieties and self deprecating thoughts because society has done a really great job destroying the psyche of young fat girls. I didn’t really care for the women in the videos, per se, but i did want to fit into lululemon and take full body pictures without sending myself into a days-long spiral.
Another part of it was just like, mental illness. I can’t shut up about having ADHD since being diagnosed, but I also really can’t understate how transformative being medicated has been for me. ADHD has been so quirk-ified online that the impact of being properly treated is so misunderstood. It wasn’t, “haha now when i talk something shiny won’t distract me!!” It was, “oh wow I can function throughout the day without feeling like my brain is eating itself because of constant ruminating thoughts.” The pursuit of “that girl,” was literally me just wanting to feel well enough to be able to have a daily routine or schedule, and stick to it.
Living in the suburbs and feeling so isolated definitely informed my heightened need to 🧘🏻♀️ find myself 🧘🏻♀️ because i felt so distant from other people around my age. I also didn’t have any other kind of tangible “progress” to lean on - moving out, having a job, meeting new people, etc.
The pressure for me to turn into “that girl” has been me fantasizing about a life i want that feels a little more glamorous, fun, confident and definitely more idealistic than what actually is.
I wanted to feel comfortable. I wanted to feel ok in myself enough to make a home there. And that’s okay, but I couldn’t hate myself into a “better” version of myself. I had to accept “this girl” as (more than) good enough in all of her incompleteness, and take care of her enough to wake up everyday and feel okay just because she can and should.
christiane amanpour, barbara walters, oprah winfrey, and adriana rodriguez...
Having strong female friendships has been one of the most beautiful and profound experiences of my life, and it’s something I’ve been fortunate enough to have throughout most of my 22 years.
I could write love letters upon love letters to my girlies, and i hold their friendship in my hands with the utmost care and gentleness.
Two of my very best friends in the entire world, Hazel and Marie, have been such a meaningful reminder of the completeness that love and friendship can bring, and I wanted to honor how much they mean to me by talking to them about how they’ve experienced home since moving away to college.
Hazel, who I’ve known since elementary school (maybe before??), was in girl scouts with me, lived a block away for basically my entire life, and is the most gentle soul I’ve ever met. Many of my earliest childhood memories include Hazel. Being loved by her is the warmest embrace on the coldest day. She went off to Colorado to study geography at CU Boulder, and stayed there to work in Denver.
Marie, who might actually be my soulmate in this realm of existence, is just the most brilliant bright light. We used to finish each others sentences in high school (eww). Being loved by Marie is to permanently feel the joy of an infectious smile etched in your face muscles. She took off to Chicago post-high school to study Journalism at Northwestern (got two! degrees) and stayed there to work in public radio.
I miss them terribly, and it feels especially hard being back in Teaneck because I associate so much of my life here with them. Interviewing them was funny, a little awkward, and definitely unprofessional, but also really really thoughtful and I’m so glad to have talked to them.
I don’t know much about how you’re actually supposed to conduct, or publish an audio interview in a body of text like this, so I’m winging it! These are pieces of a longer conversation we had via zoom, guided by some questions and themes that I asked them to reflect on.
What have close childhood friendships meant to you? (This was actually my last question, but ended up making more sense going first)
Adriana: I start this week talking about friendships, and I want to hear your thoughts on what close friendships, and especially what close female friendships, have meant to you in your life. You don't have to talk about ours...but you could, cause…we're here...
Marie: [laughs] I feel like bitches can't compare! I compare every friendship I have to you guys and nothing comes close...I don't know if either of you could pinpoint what it is about our friendship that makes it so special but damn...you can't get anything like this anywhere else.
Hazel: I definitely feel like it's a blessing and a curse, in a way, that we all met so young and we built this really great group of friends, because then when I got to college, I forgot how to connect with people.
We [childhood friends] didn't have to try that hard around each other for a really long time. Like, we met each other when we were very young and a lot of my personality, definitely my sense of humor, is just a reflection of my friends’ growing up, actually. So the fact that I had to go to a new place and assert myself...I don't know.
Marie: I feel like I don't have any really close, close friendships here- like, I don't have a bestie, that I could just be like, “I'm bored and I’m going to go to your house and lay on your couch.”
But I think also part of it is like, puberty is a very tumultuous time, and we had each other's backs during that. And it feels like because of that, I can go to you guys for everything. I don't feel like a burden whenever I come to you guys for things. I feel like it's the natural thing to do.
Hazel: I feel like for most of college I didn't really have close friends, and it was hard for me to open up to people. I felt that a lot of my friendships- and I still do in some ways- I don't think that a lot of people actually know me. College was a place to go out and party with people and be drunk with people. [But] at the end of the day, it's like, I'm not going to talk to you about my feelings. Like, I don't- I don't know you. You don't actually know me. You know what I mean?
It was just like, trying to make friends to fill the void, rather than making actual connections with people.
Adriana: It's just like, growing up together, it's such a different experience from having friends that you meet because of college, you know? When you're at [college], your friends and the community you build are all you have. So it feels, I don't know, maybe more intentional because we chose to stick by each other through such a long period of development, like during puberty and when everyone acts like an asshole, and like, kind of stinks. I don't know.
It's hard to describe why we fit together so well, but there's something very profound about it, because it feels like I am most myself with you guys. It's never been a question of like, “are we still friends, even if we don't talk or see each other for a long time?” Or as we grow and develop into our own people, it never feels like that is sending us apart from each other. It’s always felt like us developing as our independent selves has been this communal effort, between us three and then also [within] the larger group.
Coming into Brown, I was very dependent on other people, and like a lot of my identity, came from people pleasing. And it's not to say that all of my [college] friendships grew out of unhealthy habits. We've built very healthy friendships and I've been able to also grow with them in ways that have been really helpful for my own development. But I definitely did feel like the impact of my friendship with you guys was something that was always at the forefront of how I was making friends with other people. It wasn't that I was looking for people to replicate that, but they always ended up doing that. I think it’s like, you guys are the blueprint. That's literally it.
Marie: I don't know. People just can't beat the closeness of like, going to fucking elementary school together. Like, That's so formative.
I was probably friends with you in like pre-K. But I don't remember it.
Adriana: Probably?
Marie: I don't remember it!
Adriana: The picture of us at the turtle back zoo says otherwise. But OK...sick like, I'm sick.
Marie: Oh my god. Can you send that to me?
Hazel: You know what I'm noticing...it's a Teaneck thing, being really focused on community and the people you see all the freaking time...They've all known me since I was like a little little fart. Like a little baby.
Adriana: Yeah, even if people weren't like, your close friends, you did still grow up with them in a way. And like, it's the whole, I don't know, like nostalgia, small town.
Hazel: I feel so happy when I see people like doing well that we went to high school with. [I get a] weird sense of like, I don't wanna say pride, but just like, it's a community thing.
Marie: I wonder if that's a suburb thing. Like, it really is real to know everyone that lives in your area.
Hazel: I wonder if we were...not like forced to bond in Teaneck, but I think we were receiving a lot of hate from outside towns and I think that it was important for us to, be connected and not like, prove them wrong, but [show them that] we have a community here that we love.
On building a home away from home, and what Teaneck means to them now
Adriana: OK, so, my first question, or idea, that I would like us to unpack together is what building a home has meant for you in a new place. Like what makes the home for you?
Marie: Good question. Wait a second...
Adriana: Take your time. It's like a deep cut for a first question, sorry.
Hazel: I think honestly, the reason why this is hard to answer is because like, I don't feel that at home in Colorado, or I mean, in Denver. I felt at home to a certain extent in Boulder just because I was there for an extended period of time. But I don't...that's actually been something I've struggled with- like, finding a sense of home away from Teaneck.
And I think I supplement that with, like, trying to be more social and be around people that I care about a lot, but it doesn't...I don't think it does much in making me feel at home, if that makes sense. I'm sorry if that doesn't answer the question.
Adriana: No, it does. It does. I'm just really trying to get a feel for like...at this point in your life, really, what does home mean for you? And especially, like, do you still consider Teaneck like your home?
Marie: I feel like, kind of piggy backing off of what Hazel just said, I also don't feel Chicago completely as like being my home yet. I'm so stuck in the mentality that this isn't my home. This is where I'm going for a while or where I'm living for a while. But every time I go home, or go back to Teaneck, I'm like, “Yeah, I'm going home.” Now that I've graduated college, I'm still trying to recalibrate my brain to be like, “Wait, no, you live here now. You're going to stay here for a while. That's not really your home anymore. Like, you kind of sprung the nest.”
I feel like I always hold on to the image of community and closeness that Teaneck has and also like, kind of yearn for it and wherever I go. I haven't had that in Chicago, especially with the pandemic and stuff...that makes it super hard, even if you want to try to build a community with other people.
Adriana: Tea, yeah, thank you. (the Associated Press hates her)
Hazel: Marie I don't know if you feel this way, and I'm sure Adriana, you felt this way when you were living in Rhode Island. But like, I still catch myself, sitting there and being like, “Oh my God I actually live in Colorado.” I've been living in Colorado for like five years and I’m like....just that thought is so...It doesn't make sense to me. And I think that probably tells me all I need to know…the fact that it still is weird to me, and it doesn't feel that much like home.
Marie: I don't know about you, but I think it's especially hard for me because I wasn't the person that was like “I really want to leave and go far away.” It kind of just ended up happening that way, but I would have been just as happy to stay there [close to home] too. So I don't know. It's hard. What was the second part of your question, Adriana?
Adriana: I'm deciding what I want to ask next. I don't know. (a recurring theme in our conversation)
Not to respond to my own question, but like, it wasn't really until I moved off campus that I felt more “homely,” but I never considered Providence a home. I had a hard time. I didn't separate Providence from school at all. Like if I was there, it was because I was at school, and school is always associated with me being tired, and stressed out, and not wanting to be there. I want to say also that living off campus might’ve made me feel more at home in Providence if it wasn't for the pandemic. But after March 2020, coming to Teaneck and being in my house every day with my family made me feel so comfortable and settled again...then when I went back to school, even though I was moving into my own apartment and stuff, it just felt so uncomfortable because I was like, “ugh, I don't want to be here at all”...Yeah.
Should i stay or should i go (why’d you leave? why’d you stay there?)
Adriana: My next question, is just why did you decide to leave and go far from the east coast? And, like, why you chose to stay there, or how you developed enough comfort to stay there, after graduating.
Hazel: I initially had applied and wanted to go to University of Michigan, which is still outside of the East Coast, but not as far as Colorado, obviously. [At first] I really felt strongly about going to UMICH, but I kind of got this feeling of like, I had been living in the shadow of my sister (Hazel’s sister graduated from UMich in 2019), and I didn't feel like I had my own identity at home...I felt like I was in a place where I was doing things and following my sister's footsteps, and I wanted to stray away from that and figure out what I want. I guess what that meant was Colorado. I don't know if I was actively choosing Colorado because it was far away, or just because it was like, the other option that wasn't Rutgers- Rutgers being my parents' alma mater. I just wanted to shift from all of that.
Undergrad is a time of learning about yourself and growing into yourself, and I feel like I didn't have much time to build a home because I was trying to figure out who I was. I'm obviously still in the process, and I think everyone's going to be forever in the process. But I feel like I didn't have time to feel secure in a place because I was changing so much. No place could accommodate my inner whatever, my changes.
Something that's been helpful in making me feel more comfortable in a further place is starting enjoy my alone time and- not to say that I love myself, but I've learned to kind of love being with myself. Do you know what I mean? Or just to be comfortable, like, to use myself as my own home. That sounds so corny, but [using] my own body and my own presence as my own home has been helpful. The best times where I feel the most comfortable, are when I'm walking alone, listening to music or a podcast and, that's when I feel most at home just because, like, I'm stuck with myself anyway.
Marie: Growing up, I was known as an independent person. Like, my mom always tells people that I would be in my room reading books or playing with dolls by myself and that I always made the smartest choices or whatever, blah blah blah. So when I was deciding to go to college, I had a lot of different options, but I was like, “OK, what's the smartest and most logical choice?” And it was to go to Northwestern, because they gave me the most money. Even though I didn’t necessarily enjoy being independent all the time and [I did] want to rely on other people, I wanted to try to be that person. So it was like, “I'm just going to take the plunge and try to be on my own, and I feel like I'll be fine because people view me as someone who's self sufficient anyway.” Even though I don't view myself that way, I was like, “I want to become that person.” That was my logic for coming here.
In terms of staying here and trying to make a home here, I feel like it's less like the relationships I've made that make me want to stay and more so a career thing, honestly. New York, especially with journalism, is so corporate and that's where all the big media companies are based. [A sense of] community and wanting to do journalism for the sake of bettering [y]our own neighborhoods gets lost in that. That drive to do journalism in a way that's really empathetic and nuanced is something that Chicago is really great at. They have a lot of great news organizations that do that kind of work. So it's been a career choice, like it's like me girlbossing. That's why I'm staying here.
Every day I'm like, “I feel like I would be so much happier here if I had, my support system closer to me, readily accessible.” [If] I could just rely on people like that because I feel like my friendships here aren't even...I mean, like, [we’re] close, but everyone has their own lives and it's hard to put your problems on other people. I don't know. That's why I feel like I'm having trouble trying to see Chicago as a home because in my mind, [it’s] a career choice, and I'm only going to be here for a few years to better my career until I have higher ground to go to New York, I guess, or move back home. So.
Adriana: Yeah, and I think that- like something that I kind of touch on earlier in the newsletter, is the fact that it [felt] so easy to build community and to build such close relationships [in Teaneck] because like we literally saw each other every single day, in school, for years. So to that shift in college, where you [might] encounter the same people every day, or most days of the week, but everyone's trying to develop their own lives and sense of identity. It feels very different to intertwine your lives with theirs because [they] just don't fit as neatly.
what has self-actualization looked like for you in a period of time where you also have so many external changes/developments happening?
Adriana: I think that like it's also interesting how in both of your answers, there’s this sense that the home that you create still has so much to do with how you view yourself, and like, this process of like self-actualization, figuring out who you are and what you want to be. Like you said, Hazel, finding the home in yourself. The whole point of the second part of [this week’s newsletter] where I go into how we, like, “girlbossified” finding yourself, is to show that these things can't exist in a vacuum. Like, your self actualization journey, or your path to understanding who you are better, is not without the consideration of the other people who surround you. And I think it's both like, impacted by and impactful of those people. Yeah. Um.
So following that, my next question is and you've kind of started answering this, both of you, but like, what has the process of self-actualization look like in a period of your life where you're also having so many external changes and developments happening?
Marie: Can you give me a definition of self actualization?
Adriana: The way it's...I think it's more of like a psychological term, but like, the way I'm using it is more like, finding yourself and figuring out who you are...so like this process that feels...(what the hell am i even talking about)
The process of you figuring out the things that you need and, like, desire in life...(typing noises) so the Google definition says “the realization or fulfillment of one's talents and potentialities, especially considered as a drive or need present in everyone.”
Hazel: Not that making it more confusing for me.
Adriana: Wait, we learned about this in AP Psych...like, Maslow's hierarchy of needs.
Marie: Oh yeahhhhh.
Adriana: (me poorly explaining Maslow’s hierarchy of needs)...So I might actually not even be using that right...but what I'm intending for it to mean is really just like, your ability to figure yourself out.
There's a way that I'm trying to explain it and I'm not doing that. (everyone booed)
Hazel: No, I'm understanding, I think.
I feel like a lot of like this actually, for me, recently, is pretty relevant, because I'm just starting to like, not come into myself, but actually build boundaries for myself and respect what I want and respecting my own needs. It took a lot of, like, scary kind of like self-awareness that- I don't know if you guys, do this ever, but I recognize the parts of me that come from my parents and that I don't like.
Like one of the main things for me in self-actualization is realizing that I am very similar to the things that kind of traumatized me in the past. And like, trying to, without resenting my parents, not carry on that generational trauma and dysfunction. So like, really just trying to be more self aware of how I present myself in the world and to other people and to people that I care about has been like a big theme for me in the past couple of years.
Especially recently, I've learned that, with the whole like "that girl" thing. It's [really] all about loving yourself and just, I don't know, adoring every element of you. But also something that's probably more important is just being compassionate with the parts of yourself that you don't love. Like, having compassion for myself as a human being and... I don't even know if this is answering the question, actually.
Adriana: It is, no it is.
Hazel: Wait what am I talking about?
…I feel like for me, self-actualization is just recognizing myself as a human being, you know what I mean? Like, I am just a human being, and I...you know, that's really all I have to say.
Adriana: Yes. That's so true. You are a human being.
Hazel: Like I'm really just...that's the moral of the story.
Adriana: I'm changing the title of this newsletter, to "like for real. I am a human being" (this is devolving, fast)
Marie: Wait can you restate the question, Adriana?
Adriana: Yes. (I do that)
You definitely answer the question. Hazel.
Hazel: OK, cute.
Adriana: Well, cause, I mean, you said that this is a process of you accepting yourself as a flawed human being who is just doing your best and that’s the most you can ask for yourself at this moment in time. And I think that regardless of where you are, like geographically or just in your life, in terms of career progress or, I don't know, relationships, whatever, you have to be able to accept that part of yourself to do anything.
…Yeah, so you definitely...You did that.
Marie: Something that has helped me sort of, I don't know, like, I wouldn't say realize my potential, but just be easier on myself, [was] realiz[ing] that I've always been obsessed with getting to my goal really quickly. And like, wanting to [achieve my goals] at a really fast pace, faster than everyone else. I'm realizing now that I can do things at my own pace and that I'll get there eventually and I shouldn't be obsessed with, trying to do so much all the time because it literally burns me out. I realized that I [was] putting so much energy into work stuff and that makes me go insane. So I'm trying to actually focus on my relationships or how I feel about myself
Finding a balance is something that I've been trying to do, but it’s hard. I mean, to this day, I feel like I don't realize my potential because I still think that everything I've ever done to get to this point has been a fluke in my life. So, I don't know. It's kind of just being grateful for the stuff that I can do, and that I do well, and also realizing that that's not the only thing that my life is about. And I should also like, try to spend energy on like the human beings and like that kind of stuff.
Hazel: I feel like that's also kind of the flaw in the whole "that girl,” girl boss mentality- is that it's adjacent to that productivity pressure that you get from capitalism. It's the same thing and it's just hidden behind glitter and lemon water or whatever. It's like “make sure you have a regimented routine where you're doing all this stuff all the time. And if you don't do that, you're not that girl anymore.” You know what I mean?
You don't have to be focusing on some end goal. I don't want to say, living in the moment, that's so dumb.
Marie: No, exactly.
Adriana: Yeah. I think that’s also one of the points I want to hit on is this similar struggle that you go through, no matter what your external environment is. Even feeling so at home here is still like, “I have to be doing something to better myself in some way.” And because I don't have the professional opportunity to do that, I have to like [do it through] health and wellness every single day, because that's what I can control. But it's still this investment in something that is not necessarily going to make me feel any better, or connect any more deeply to myself or the people around me. I don't know.
I'm like, I'm trying to tie this all together, but I think it's just like, it's hard to figure yourself out. It's hard to figure yourself out when you don't feel at home, but you also need kind of to figure yourself out, to create a home for yourself.
Marie: Also because like, now's the time to figure out what you enjoy and what your hobbies are, it's been so hard. One question I still have for myself is, “what do I even enjoy doing when it's not being productive, or doing something for a certain reason?” What do I like to do in my leisure time, to take care of myself? And I don't know the answer to that.
Hazel: But it's also like, what do you have the time to do? What do you have the mental energy after a day of work to do? I've struggled with that too recently because after a day of work, I'm so burnt out that I can't focus on things that actually make me feel good. After a long day of hating work, I go sit and scroll through my phone for a bit. And I wish I could be someone who like, jumps right into a hobby right after work, but finding the energy to do that alongside your job is frustrating. I don't know where that came from. What was the question?
Adriana: There's not really any more...
I will say that being unemployed has been very good for me, figuring out my hobbies and like, “do I actually like this? Or is this an exercise in me trying to, escape from stress?” Something like that for me was painting. When I first came home, I would buy stuff to paint and then sit down and be like “I have to paint right now. I don't know if I really want to...it kind of feels like I do, but I feel like I have to paint right now to relax and I'm going to enjoy it. Like, there's a gun to my head.” And slowly, as I [relaxed] from being in school and having stress run my life, it became, “I'm not using this as a distraction, or to run away from other problems. I'm doing this and I actually enjoy it. And I can start this and not finish it in one sitting, and that's OK because I have time to do it.”
Hazel: I talked to my mom about this...she got me into knitting and I really enjoyed it, and it’s become a hobby for me, but at the same time, I found myself getting stressed over a project to a point where I was like, “Why am I making this something that's not enjoyable for me?” This is supposed to be something that is my escape from the normal stress of life, and that makes me feel OK when work is bad, and I'm having a panic attack because I missed a stitch. It's hard to let yourself exist and take things as they come. That's been hard to learn.
Adriana: Which feels just like an endless loop, like, I'm thinking so hard about not thinking about something.
Hazel: I'll get like a chill moment at work where I actually don't have something to do, and then I feel guilty because I'm not doing anything [even though] there's nothing that I can be doing. I'm building up this whole thing in my head that I'm not doing my job and that I'm going to get fired because I'm not working hard enough. And it's just kind of like, I need to relax.
Adriana: Me losing my mind over being unemployed because I'm like, “There's something I need to be doing.” What? What do I need to be doing? A job? No.
Marie: Yeah, it's like, hard to remind yourself that your time belongs to you. Do you know what I mean? You don't owe your time to other people.
Adriana: I'm quoting that one. That's a quotable quote if I ever heard one.
Hazel: That's what I was thinking!
Adriana: You wanted to be quoted when you said that
Marie: I was...
Home is where the heart is (but i also hope it’s a beach front high rise in Santa Monica)
The other day, my cousin reminded me that in second grade, my dream was to grow up and be a nurse and live in Kansas. I quite literally have no clue where that came from, and I now have zero desire to be in the midwest (chicago doesn’t count cause it’s cool).
It’s weird thinking about that being something I desperately wanted as a seven year old, but when I think about where I am now, maybe it isn’t. Kansas and Nurse Adriana was just an aspiration I had because I saw myself in that place with that job as happy, fulfilled- the best version of myself.
15 years later (im old) here I am having the same hope to be happier, but this time, future me is living it up in Los Angeles. I don’t really know why LA is calling to me so intensely right now- aside from ditching winter for a few years- but it feels the same as little crybaby second grade me trying to visualize a “better” version of myself.
I frequently wonder if I really need to move 3000 miles away to be able to form an identity. Do I have to separate myself from my known community to “find myself?” I think the testimony of my friends answers this question- and with a firm no.
I still want to move to LA, and hope I get the opportunity to do so. But, maybe now I have more tools to ensure that I’m not relying on a huge change in my environment to be who I really want to be. And to ensure that ‘who I want to be’ is informed by my community and myself, not meaningless aesthetics and standards.
Finding home has never been about geographic location, just like finding myself has never been about forcing habits that feel unnatural because they’re trendy or cute. I hope that I give myself the patience to figure it out without a timeline, and the grace to love myself throughout the entire process. I hope you’ll give that to yourself, too.
thanks for reading <3
What I learned on tiktok this week was…
Stop reading me
Brendon interview when? Gonna spew out quotable quotes