me when i turn twenty three
something short and sweet to celebrate a new year. don’t worry, it’s only sad for a second
i am 5 when someone calls me fat for the first time at school, and i learn that there is an “otherness” to me that i must hide, diminish, or obstruct in some way to protect myself — even though i don’t really understand why
i am 7 when i realize that being nice to everyone, and that staying quiet and out of the way is a shield. i learn that being known for dependability can sometimes cause problems.
i am 9 when i get in trouble for spreading a rumor about someone who hurt my friend. i wonder if i am still a good person.
i am 10 when i am grateful that being kind and dependable has made people willing to stick up for me, even to their own friends
i am 11 when a friend tells me they wants to hurt themself, but that I can’t tell anyone that they’ve confided in me.
i get a stomachache.
it isn’t the first or last time i experience this, but i never seem to learn what to do.
i am 14, 15, 16 when every birthday becomes a capital E-vent, because i worry that if anyone is left out, or having a bad time, i have done something wrong
i am 17 when i realize i’ve become the designated mediator of the friend group, but maybe i just wanted to feel needed
i am 18 when i see that the constant and unwavering willingness to put others’ needs above my own, is an inherited trait. at first i am angry, but then i feel sad. does my mother feel the same guilt and exhaustion as i do?
i am 19 when i think i reach my limit trying to help people who don’t want to be helped.
but then i am 20 and i am still apologizing for things that hurt me
i am 21, and my brain is in a gray and foggy place when i feel myself saying yes to helping, trying to please, taking on all that i can and then some. i feel like a pitcher of water, pouring over all of the other plants until there’s nothing left to tend to my own garden. i think i’ve confused myself into thinking it feels good to use all my energy making everyone else happy, but maybe i just don’t know how to stop.
a thought crosses my mind that maybe i don’t really like myself that much, if i am so willing to let myself wither away for other people.
i am 22, living at home, and overworking myself to avoid feeling the emptiness of not having school, or other people to waste away over. when fall comes, i realize my life feels like it belongs to me for the first time. the schedule is empty and i can fill it with things that bring me joy. i don’t think i know what those are yet, so that becomes the first task on the list to tackle.
i am 22 and three-quarters and have spent the last few months stretching myself out into a new phase of life.
it is the big-wake-up-good-morning stretch that pops all your joints and makes you feel a little dizzy. it makes you feel warm inside and ready to take on the day, settled in your body. i am ready to take on what comes next, reaching my fingertips as far as they go, to stretch every part of me
i am 23 and in a new place. i don’t think it is a new home yet. it is lonely sometimes, and sometimes it is not. i have figured out that living on my own is a lot more freeing than i anticipated. i wake up on my birthday and cannot go downstairs to a card and an offer of something special for breakfast, so i make my own plans. i keep myself busy and feel the warmth of the sun on my skin when i drive to the city with music playing as loud as i want. i feel in charge of my own happiness. i take my time walking around the mall, get a haircut that i don’t like, but revel in the fact that i have given time and attention to myself. i see some familiar faces for dinner who i laugh with, and appreciate even more since the last month has been so new. it is an exhale of relief to be in company with my people. i am looking forward to the new year, and maybe the first year of unapologetically trying to put myself first. i don’t anticipate a seamless transition into this, but appreciate the perspective of actively practicing it.
i am 23 and trying to extend kindness, patience, and grace to someone who has never received it from me before. i am tired of denying it to myself. i am hoping to learn how to be a good friend to me.
i think i already am.