my biggest motivator, my biggest hater: an ode to mothers
a very, very belated mother’s day post
uhhh…hello? sorry for the unintended hiatus <3 It’s weird because nothing in particular caused my little break from sunday scaries- I had the time to write, I had lots of ideas, and found myself excited rather than feeling my usual anxious dread at the thought of writing.
Then, well…I finally got a damn job, started working, moved to California ????? and the unintended break turned into a four month absence cause i was actually busy af . Now that I’m all settled and am just starting to lose my shit at the never ending cycle of wake up, go to work, come home, make dinner, watch succession, go to sleep, rinse, repeat…I figured, what better a time to continue my public diary than right now? And I must say, the constant barrage of self-reflection that comes from living alone is gonna make for some good content. So, buckle up, gang. The sunday scaries renaissance (dramatic) is here.
Ok, last thing before I get into it. So much gratitude for friends who checked in about my little newsletter while I wasn’t writing. Having people miss this thing that I’m doing, while I have no clue what it is, or what I’m intending for it to become, feels so special. I’m genuinely excited to get back to writing and sharing some of my little thoughts with you all, and I hope to keep doing it for as long as it feels right.
With that, thanks for bearing with my inconsistent updates, grammatical errors, the absolutely insane amount of times i say “like” in my interviews, and of course, thank you for reading.
I hope you enjoy.
Please keep your little cousins away from me
There’s a weird corner of that hellsite twitter.com that really, really hates children, and I think it’s weird. Obviously, I’m not someone who thinks people having kids is this crucial, necessary part of your development, and actually, I think, as a society, we have so deeply misunderstood children and child rearing, that we should be having less children. But people who like…are actively disdainful towards children, even if it’s just online…I think it’s weirdo behavior, and very unnecessary.
With that said, however, I’m, like, scared of kids. Not in a run and hide kinda way, or in a “i’m gonna kick your toddler in the mall” kinda way (even though, I did do that once accidentally, and my aunt won’t let me live it down). It’s more of an anxious, I’m going to avoid you to the extent that it isn’t obvious if you are age, like, 4 to 15.
If we psychoanalyze me a little bit (fun, right?) we will see on our left the reason why I get anxiety stomachaches around small humans in that age range. and, surprise! It’s trauma. Nothing too serious, just your average childhood bullying that gave me insane self esteem and body image issues…and that incredible talent kids have of pointing out the thing you are most insecure about in the loudest, most direct way possible!
And I mean, I don’t blame kids at all for it, really. Like, if your 6 year old is looking at me and has to ask in the opposite of a library voice “why are you so FAT?!” I don’t blame them, cause that’s all leaned behavior, right? To see fatness as a negative — you had to be taught that. It’s kinda sad, honestly — knowing that a kid is already thinking of bodies/body types in that way, where one is weird, or different, or bad, compared to another can’t mean anything good for them and their relationship to their body. But that doesn’t mean I’m not also wishing the floor would open up and swallow me whole cause some kid as tall as my knee just embarrassed the shit out of me :)
this is for my people who treat their dogs like real infant children
Honestly, though, aside from all of that nonsense that’s more the fault of my rotten brain than kids themselves, the idea of having my own children is something that I think I just truly realized wasn’t something I had to build my life around? Not in a, “I’m planning these things for my life right now because in 8 years, 3 months, 12 days, and 34 hours I’ll be expecting,” way, but moreso like, I think I finally just let myself understand and internalize in a very serious way (not just abstractly, i guess?) that I don’t have to have kids if I don’t want to.
I feel myself stumbling here trying to convey this feeling, but it just felt like there really was a switch where I saw motherhood as a deeply personal choice for everyone, and when I could see it as a choice for myself, specifically.
Being responsible for a child is so much damn work. And, honestly, if having a dog is any indication of my ability to project my anxiety on something that need care, I think a baby would make my brain fold in on itself. I simply spend so much time and energy thinking “is my dog happy? is he bored? does he love me? is he bleeding internally? does he miss me when i’m gone?” and I imagine me with a baby would be that x10000. I know that that’s me right now, when, for a multitude of other reasons, kids are in a distant universe lightyears away, but I think I also see the value of really trying to manage my own anxiety before becoming a mother. And I also know that it isn’t any kind of moral failure for me to not ever feel ready, or comfortable, or wanting to have kids.
I think I want to feel like motherhood isn’t a sacrifice before I start thinking about it seriously - a sacrifice of my own needs, wants, feelings, beliefs, etc. As the resident people-pleasing-no-boundaries-codependent-ass-bitch, in many people’s lives (i’m working on it), there’s a lot I need to learn about love and care coexisting with an unwavering sense of self. Again, it’s not like I’m trying to check this box before a straight shot to being a mom - I’m not even 23 good grie- and I need to learn these lessons more for myself than anything, but in thinking about motherhood, and children, which, as you may guess is the theme of this week’s newsletter, I’m reflecting on the work I need to do for myself, in order to, one day (many years away from now), feel okay with the idea of attaching a lil tiny baby to my life, and myself.
If anyone else wants to have a baby now (looking at my friends), though, please feel free, as I would, however, be a kick-ass aunt, and would LOVE a little mushy wrinkly baby to sniff and cuddle with.
I don’t caption my mother’s day insta stories with “the people’s mother” for no reason
in general, moms are really just so damn incredible. It isn’t without recognition of the society we live in that makes them so, but moms (are expected to) do SO much. While I don’t think there’s any joy in being overworked and underappreciated, I will say that what many moms are able to do, most people can’t even conceptualize. And I think my mama is just one really great example of that. Ms. Kesha is quite literally the gravity tethering me to this earthly plane, and i’m NOTHING without her.
The other day, I was at a friend’s house playing we’re not really strangers, and a question came up about something you admire about your mom. It gave us all a chance to reflect how our moms have really shaped who we are as people, and what they’ve allowed us to do and be in this life. When it was my turn, I talked about the kindness and selflessness of my mom, and her ability to build community wherever she goes - and how important it was for me to grow up within that. My friends added, when I finished my own answer, that my mom has truly been a source of comfort, love, and joy for them, even when we had just become friends, and especially in times of need.
I remember before graduating middle school, we had our little eighth grade awards ceremony, where students where honored for different categories based on teacher and staff nomination. I remember desperately wanting to be recognized for something related to academics, because I felt like I had something to prove…my self esteem vs. the competitive, overachiever friend group i’d just joined lolz
I didn’t get any math or science award (i was good at them once), but instead the “humanitarian” award, which the principal presented to me with an introduction that nodded to my upbringing by very involved (helicopter) (sorry mom) parents. He used the phrase “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree,” and I recall being grateful, but also kind of unrecognizable for my own achievements. (boo fkn hoo, right?)
It wasn’t that I was sour at the award, or at being compared to my mom. I think I just felt like I was being celebrated for being a “nice kid” and that I wasn’t going to be seen as anything else.
Looking back, though, I’m even more confused at the strangely disappointed feeling I had receiving that award. Especially because at that point, I really was trying my best to emulate my mom - and that was just validation that I was doing it well. I was (and still am) a huge mama’s girl, always in her shadow, and always beaming when people told us how much we looked alike, or acted similarly.
It was my life’s mission to be as hardworking and giving as her, and to have as close a relationship as possible— at least, until I hit that bitchy teenager phase, where, my efforts to figure out my own identity just manifested as me being kind of a jerk. Now, I’m still Puerto Rican, so it wasn’t the white girl-teen-movie-door-slamming-tantrum you’re thinking, (cause Kesha never would have played that nonsense) but I do remember being a little more snappy and constantly fighting back when I felt like I needed to counter what I was being told. It was a pretty stark contrast, I think both of my parents would agree, to my brother’s quieter disagreement.
What was once unquestionable appreciation for her constant presence, opinions, and care, became irritation at always being told what to do, feeling judged, and a lack of personal freedom.
Entering my twenties, I think, I allowed a little bit more grace and patience to enter my interpretation of my mother, and of what I wanted from her. It wasn’t a complete desire to emulate her, nor a weird projection of my own inner teenage turmoil on her, but rather, this nuanced understanding that in my efforts to be just like her, I had exhausted myself. Giving until there’s nothing left, doing for others at the expense of myself, and trying to control the outcome of every situation weren’t the all-powerful characteristics that created a superhero, which I once thought. It wasn’t just my own understanding that led me to these conclusions though; it was also seeing a woman who would’ve carried the world on her back if it meant easing the burden of one person, unable to carry herself. (metaphorically speaking - she could and would still beat someone’s ass in the right circumstance…). My understanding of my mom, myself, and our relationship is a lot more thorough now, as I recognize her as a person outside of just my mom, and she tries to do the same for me as her daughter. Its created something that I’m proud of, that I find so much comfort in, and that makes me feel love for my mom with so much more depth than I ever thought possible.
An interview with the people’s mother
as a preface, I have three grandmas — the two maternal ones — my mom’s mom and stepmom, are discussed in this piece. Grandma Iris is my mom’s biological mom, and Grandma Nydia, is her stepmom, who is currently married to my Grandpa Joe (just written in this interview as ‘grandpa’)
who do you feel like you learned motherhood from?
Mom: I think...I think my stepmother, maybe both, a little bit from my mom- for the time that I lived with her, since I spent about equal time, with both of them.
Adriana: Can you talk actually, just about, like, who you lived with in terms of grandmas, like when.
Mom: So from birth til 12, I lived with Grandma Iris…and from 12 to 18, I lived with Grandma Nydia and Grandpa. Mostly with Grandma Nydia because she was around. Yeah. And Grandpa was flakey flake.
what is motherhood to you?
Adriana: So following in that vein, just what is motherhood to you? What does that mean to you? I guess on a very basic level.
Mom: Um, overall care of a human being, um, ensuring all physical, mental needs are met, ensuring the stability, love, continuity, ease. It's just always being there and being presence for your children for really, you know, a lot of- I want to emphasize a lot of care. Right. So make sure your kids aren't hungry. Make sure they have all of the resources they need, even when you can't afford them.
Adriana: And do you feel like you learned that, like, that was the definition or like the concept of motherhood that you learned from grandma, from both grandmas?
Mom: I think to the extent, yes, there was definitely a sense of, there was a sense of care, and there was a sense of, you know, it's hard to say for Grandma Iris because we lived in very unstable times. It was a different experience, none of which maybe was her fault in that way. So, you know, the lack of education and her and being so young. Right. So I lived with her and she had to raise two children alone in a time where, you know, her resources weren't dependable or reliable. And so there was a lot of instability there. So that I knew was a parent, right, stability was going to be number one. Like I knew in our lifetime, as I became a mother, one of the things I wouldn't want to do would be move around too much. And I knew that because I- it affected me. That instability affected my ability to learn, to make friends, to, you know, to keep friends, I guess because we always moved around so much because of need. Right. She had to, you know, to rely on her mom for a little while.
So we had to live with her mom. She had to rely on, you know, her minimum income. So when we lived by ourselves, there was just minimum income. You know, we had to all share a bedroom. She could never afford more than a one bedroom for us three. And most often, she would sleep in the living room and give us the bedroom. Right. So, I mean, those were kind of some basics- but, we never were hungry. We always ate, we couldn't really afford clothes. So, Grandma, my grandmother, would make the clothes for us. So I always look like Holly Hobby.
But, you know, and we didn't have big Christmases, right? She was poor, or so we were poor, I would say. So we would get like one doll that was, you know, I think until I was six or seven when that grandpa met Nydia that I see a Christmas with so many things. Yeah. I will never forget the image of waking up on that Christmas Day. It is etched in my brain because we never saw that many toys and stuff at a toy store. Yeah. So. But that was the way she was able to care right from that perspective. And she also offered the stability of the home at her own peril, I think, because Grandpa was annoying. So she could have, really, there were so many times she should have left him. She had the patience of, you know, I don't know what. But I think at the core of it was trying to offer her own children stability, you know, and...so she tried her best to put up with stuff, I guess, so that she could keep that. But there were certainly times that- I know I wouldn't have put up with that. She's better than me.
Adriana: Well, I think. There's also, like this kind of sentiment that's- especially for, I would say, like Latin women and other women of color, that like putting up with things that like your husband does or that like family, other family does is like just this sacrifice you have to make for your children. And I think that that's something very unique to motherhood because, like, fathers don't learn that, like, you know, you can sacrifice your well-being or like your personhood for your family or for your children. Like, I would say that that's very unique to mothers.
Mom: Yeah. Yeah. It makes sense. That makes sense to me. Yeah.
Adriana: But I think that also, like, in that, it's also very generational too, because I think it's like what you just said- "I would never put up with that" is like something that then you learn and you kind of like break that cycle there because you're unwilling to give up that much of yourself, you know?
Mom: Yeah.
Adriana: Like if you were in that kind of situation, I think at least like we can talk about it in like an abstract way. Right. Because Dad would never try that, you know?
Mom: [laughs] that's true.
Adriana: But I think that like, you have a different understanding of, like, what it would mean to, like, endure certain things for your children, right? Like it might mean that you're able to, like, take us out of that situation rather than just like you sitting there. Oh, yeah. And like, suffering through it. Right. I think that, like watching your parent have to do that is also very difficult for a child. Right.
Mom: Course. Of course. Yeah, it it's very difficult to see. Well, there's also a lot of things that happen with that, right? There's, um. You know, unwillingly and, you know, end up in traumatic situations. Right. Because the parents are just trying to care for you was so stressed. Yeah. That, you know, their temper is short because they can meet their bills that month. So they might be wondering how they're going to feed you. Yeah. And you know, I think part of my- and part of my putting up with grandma [Iris] now and the stuff that she does, is recognizing that, you know, through the hardest of times she didn't give up her children for adoption. Right? She didn't put us in foster care system because she couldn't take care of us. She just fucking figured it out, like that's what she did. So, I mean, I do respect that of her.
I also respect the fact that she didn't take crap from my dad too much. Like, you know, she was like, oh, you want to be single? There you go, do that. You know, I'm not going to be with you if you feel like you need to be going out all the time, because I need a partner to help me raise this family we created. Um. So I think there were many, there's in many ways, I have a lot of respect for her. You know, she was really tough- not like she would fight people in the street all the time, but if it was to save her life. Right. Yeah. Or if we were being threatened in some way. I mean, she spent a lot of time sheltering us from her brother, who had a lot of drug issues. Right. And she was just adamant about him not being around us too much because he had so many problems. And the same with- cause she dated a lot and she was a beautiful woman- she was attractive and she would get boyfriends-
Adriana: And she likes to talk to guys.
Mom: She does...[laughs] but she was very careful, right? Not to let those- we would never be alone with her boyfriends. That was just not a thing. I actually say the only one time I was alone with one of her boyfriends was when some little girl stole my doll and he walked me around the block to go find the girl who took my doll. And I was probably like, I don't know, seven or eight years old, maybe eight or nine. But that was the only time I could remember. And actually her boyfriends were always very nice to us and always treated us very nice, and they weren't always buying us things because sometimes they did. But I think, you know, they they weren't. But she did not- it was a very separate thing, her relationships with these men and us.
Adriana: And that was something important or like, positive to you? Like you were glad?
Mom: Yeah, I think. I think she took care- that was the way she protected us and took care of us, right. So she made sure that she didn't feel- that was something her mother didn't do well and she didn't feel safe. Right. Because her mother, you know, chose men over her and her feelings. And where she was more careful in that way, might be why she just didn't keep the boyfriends too long either. You know, she wasn't trusting enough.
I think, there was one guy she dated that she really wanted to stay with, this Greek guy. But I think he was not interested in raising somebody else's kids. And if I'm not mistaken, he was interested in being- I thought he was going back to Greece or something. You could have been Greek.
Adriana: We could have been living lavish.
Mom: I don't know about that.
Adriana: Did you get your doll back?
Mom: No, no. She just stole my doll. I was playing with my doll at the window. We lived on the first floor and she came up and she said, "Oh, your doll's so pretty." And I said, Yeah. And she was like, "Oh, I want to show her to my friend on the corner." And she never came back. She took my doll.
Adriana: Aw. That's so sad!
Mom: And I cried and cried and cried...I remember that was like probably another traumatic time, right? The first time someone ever stole from me. So it was so sad. But at the same time, I have like memories of the music that was playing at the time that that happened and you know, and he was- that boyfriend was really nice. So he said, "We're going to go get her." So we went outside. He walked me around the block and we were looking for a little girl, but, you know, she was long gone with my doll. So, but I don't remember seeing that boyfriend after that ever again.
Adriana: Well, at least he left on a good note to you.
Mom: Yeah, he was nice to me, so. But I think those are the kinds of things. I guess that's what the care- the level of care.
Adriana: I think I'm also curious because like hearing you talk a lot about like care and protection…I wonder, like, if that, like, that being the thing that you learned or, like, prioritized from your parents or, like, your mothers out of that experience of, like, childhood and stuff? Like what- was that love to you? I guess, like, did that translate?
Mom: Yes. I think I think that that was definitely what I considered love at the time. So, so now as an adult, the lack of care [from Grandma Iris], or the lack of making sure that there's not harm coming, is really offensive to me, because all this time I thought that you [her mom] were caring and loving. And I don't want to discredit what she did either by saying that. I think I think at the time that she did what she knew, what she was limited at doing. Whereas I grew up and became educated and also learned from watching another mother [her stepmom] take care of her child. Right? In that way, I learned other things about, you know, making a stable environment and being routine about, you know, always having dinner and always having sitting at a table. And because those were not things we did when I grew up with my [biological] mother.
So it was a whole different set of activities and rules and…she gave us values. And, you know, she also made sure we were having fun. Because in her practical way, she saved money for those weeks of [school] vacation. We would go to Grandma Willie's [mom’s stepmom’s mom] house for the week. And, you know, she would give Grandma Willie money to take care of us. So, you know, there was food in the house or whatever, but, you know, then Uncle Willie [mom’s stepmom’s brother] would take us and go, like, we always talk about him going to the candy store, letting us buy whatever we want. So we were sick to our stomachs from candy. Like, you know, she. She was, like, ensuring that we were, like, a little spoiled during that vacation week. It was something we looked forward to cause we couldn't go anywhere, really.
Adriana: That's interesting because I think that like in that, like in grandma, Grandma Nydia's ability to like provide a different kind of mothering for you. She also was able to, like, engage other family or engage in like a community.
Mom: Right.
Adriana: Right. Where, like Grandma Iris kept you very kind of sheltered from her family or her family like-
Mom: Yeah. With exception of [my grand-aunt] . So when we moved back, cause we were moving right to 105th and back uptown to 180, and then we would move back to 105th, we moved like three or four times that way. And I think when we were at 105th, because my Grandma Ada, that which was Grandpa's mom and because [my grand] aunt was there, and we had cousins that was more family, right? And my Grandma Ada, she was very friendly with my [grand] aunt. So we would like go there every day after school and they would have coffee and we would yeah, there was a home, I think where we would just be hanging out with- I was playing with [my cousins]. But that was like all the time when we lived there. So that was a better time I guess, for us…But when we moved uptown, nobody lived up there, just my [maternal] grandmother - the not so nice one. So we had trouble, it was trouble in the making.
What has characterized your experience as a mother?
Mom: Define characterized…
Mom: Like. Caretaker?
Adriana: That works. Just like, what has been a characteristic of-
Mom: Worry.
Adriana: Motherhood, for you.
Mom: A little bit of caretaker, a little bit of worry. Um, I feel like it's, um, I guess as a mom, I don't know. I was just looking to build all the things that- I think people do that in general. You kind of try and build all the things that you feel like you were missing, right? So I wanted it to be stable, the environment. I didn't want to move too much, I wanted to make sure that, you know, you guys both had enough resources to be successful. And it's where I would have invested money to make sure that, if you needed cello lessons, or if you needed to play a sport, or that those are- Kumon, whatever it was, uh [I make a displeased face] I know your favorite. It was to make you feel kind of whole that, that was there was nothing missing. And so I think that was…you know, having a partner who was good, right? Somebody who played better than me, because I was too busy doing other things, it's also that that's part of the partnership, right? And having a partner who would be able to do that, so that I could play that caretaker role and nurturer when we needed it, right?
…I think, you know, in many ways there's still a lot for me to do. As a mother, I feel like but I, I feel like I've gotten you know, you started working, he starts working like that part of, like I think I provided what, mostly I needed to, what I had set out as a goal. I guess there always is more. It's never perfect. Right. Um, but it's- we're still here chiming along, so.
Adriana: I think you were successful in that, in my opinion
Mom: Well, I appreciate that.
But your move is an example. Like I, you know, I feel like I could have been like, all right, you chose this. You're on your own. Bye. See ya. Figure it out yourself- but my body wouldn't let me do that. I think because I'm just so nosy. Right? But at the same time, you know, for my sanity and well-being. To know that you were in a safe place to, you know, not leave you really by yourself alone, which is fine, you would've survived, as you did when you went to college. But then, you know, all of a fun of doing the shopping-
Adriana: I could not have built this bed by myself.
Mom: That bed was a real pain in the ass
Adriana: Or the dresser, or the desk even.
Mom: You could have. You just would have done like I did. Take a break.
Adriana: Well, I think it's like, it's there are many things within that, right. Like you have a job that would allow you to take a week off to do that. You had enough- or we had enough money to fly both of us out and like buy all of this stuff to set up. But then it's-
Mom: Well...
Adriana: We figured it out.
Mom: Yeah we did.
Adriana: But, but then there's also like the personal aspect of it or the, the emotional aspect of it. Which is like, you learned from your own childhood that like, it was a priority for you to be able to do this and you genuinely wanted to, because you felt like that is what a mother should do for their child, right?
Mom: Yeah. Which is contrary to what my therapist [said]….[she] was like, “no, you have to let people go and do their own thing and then, and not save people because that's how they learn to do it and go, you know, what's the worst that can happen?” And she wasn't wrong. I could have just let you go and said, Well, here's $1,000 and go rent your own car. But, it was so much harder to have to do alone. Like, you know, in my mind, I've moved several times, and I just moved grandma here. and I knew how much work it was, to do that alone. So if there's not a necessity to do it, yeah, I, you know, it's not in me, just like when you guys went off to college.
Adriana: It's a little different.
Mom: It's a little different. But, you know, I don't- I wouldn't have traded that week for anything, right. Because, you know, and part of my wanting to care for you endlessly, apparently, that's what you know, what I would do. I mean, clearly, at some point there won't be, you know, enough money to go visit, but that's another story- but I want to do that too.
Adriana: Well, I mean, like, I think bigger picture, it's like, thinking about what your therapist said. I still went, right? I still made the decision. And it's not that you let me go, but you were okay in a sense. Like, it was sad, but you were still okay with me going, right?
Mom: Because I feel that part is the, the learning part. You have to be there every day. You have to learn to live by yourself. You know, I was only there a week and I can spend months at a time live.
Adriana: But the act of moving itself is so much like physical, like tangible work. That I don't think that that necessarily had to be the thing that was like I do this on my own, right? Because I'm living on my own.
Mom: Paying rent. Doing the things that you set out to do. I mean, you know, you're going to have to do that by yourself, right? And you're going to have to do many things in the future by yourself. Yeah, but that's where, you know, I guess she was trying to find where my level of care might end so that I'm allowing you space to grow. Yeah. And I understood it, but. But I'm like, how do I fight the need to be there? Because I want to be there. I mean, the truth was, if you said, "I don't really want you to go, I want to do this on my own," I would have had to not do it, but-
Adriana: Yeah, right.
Mom: I fought my instinct not to do it.
Adriana: Yeah. No, I think in a different context that argument might have worked better, but like because the act of moving across the country is entirely too much work for one person, it's too hard to kind of like reconcile that logic with this specific situation. But I feel like I do get like like what she was saying, like, like you said, it makes sense. It's just like maybe in a different situation, you know.
...I don't think there's any kind of like, what is the word. There's no like vindication in like struggle, right? Like if there is a way to make somebody's life or your life easier by relying on other people.
Mom: Yeah- why wouldn't you do it?
Adriana: Yeah, well, and I think that part of living in this country and in the society is like, you're left to struggle on your own. Life is hard. Just deal with it. Don't rely on people. But I think that that's actually wrong, just like on a human aspect, because we're not made to, to live in isolation. Complete isolation. Like our lives are like a very community centric, um, like thing. And- but I also think that there does have to be a line in terms of like how much you're willing to give of yourself and how much you're willing to sacrifice. And like having that boundary, which I think-
Mom: And she doesn't think I have the line, for her my line is very faint.
Adriana: Well, I'd say I probably learned that from you. And I- if you have a faint line, I have no line. So it's like even though being able to help people in moments of struggle and being able to give is a good quality, I think kind of inherently, there does have to be some kind of recognition that like you can't give all of yourself away just to support everybody else or like you have to be able to sustain yourself.
Mom: I guess in that way I would say, you know, this is where your dad is really like about the boundary piece, right?
Adriana: He has no friends to have boundaries with
Mom: Well, right. But because he has boundaries, he's not you know, I can't sit here like...so that's his form of protection, I guess, to not let people take advantage that way.
Adriana: Well, not even, not necessarily take advantage, but I think that like knowing the resources you have to offer.
Do you feel like there are things you've lost from motherhood?
Mom: Um. I think there was- because I was so worried about not providing care. I, I wasn't able to, like, engage better with my children. Right. So if I couldn't stop to play comfortably. If dinner wasn't ready. Right? Or if the house needed something. A bathroom cleaned. I felt like I could not do that first because, you know, that was- the prioritization might have been better for me had I recognized that I could have done both. I might have had to stay up later or earlier. Or just give one up. Right...So, you know, I mean, that's where to balance those things. You know, I never owned a home. I didn't know what it entailed. I didn't know what four floors of cleaning looked like. Right. I always lived in an apartment-
Adriana: We don't clean the basement.
Mom: We don't clean anything...so it made, you know...I mean, I we did things together. Don't get me wrong. I don't feel like we missed- we went to the zoo. We did things, right? We went to the beach. We planned things. But I think there could have been more time for play. Also you know, I worked, which was also part of, you know, oftentimes I don't know that I could have never not worked because the stability is important. Right. But I surely would have liked to have a housekeeper, so I didn't have to worry about that. Yeah. Or, you know, work part time, maybe. So I could spend more days…I mean, I definitely [redacted at mom’s request] when I worked in the library.
Adriana: Slay...good for you.
Adriana: Do you feel like there were things for you as a person, like outside of motherhood and like your identity that like you lost?
Mom: Oh, yeah. Well, I don't think- I don't want to say I lost it because it was my decision not to do. And it's still my decision- not to like, like have more self care. Like, you know, before, I went to the gym- I wouldn't do that and leave you guys with a sitter, you know? And then all those self-care things...I just really didn't pay attention to myself and I still don't. So now there's no excuse though right? I wish I would prioritize a little bit more of that because in that I would have taught both you and your brother if I was self care better...That was probably a part that I didn't know how to teach. And I wish that I would have done that a little more so, you know, we'd be healthier I guess in so many ways because that also is mental and physical.
Adriana: But you don't feel like, I guess, in the more typical sense of, like, feeling like you had a child and you couldn't, like, advance your career or like go out with your friends and stuff.
Mom: Oh no, I don't know that I- there were opportunities that obviously were offered that I did not take because it meant moving the family, right? Like we didn't go to DC. But that was also, I think mostly I did that because I had kids and I didn't want to separate us from the family. As a whole. Yeah, right. I wanted you to have your cousins and your uncles and aunts and...
Adriana: Well, and I also feel like and like, correct me if I'm wrong, obviously, but like, I feel like like, you like your job and you care about it, but it's also not like your passion or anything. So it's different
Mom: Yeah. It's just a job.
Adriana: So it's not like "I lost my dream career because of my children!"
Mom: Oh no, no, no. I don't think I've ever found that. But I'm also more practical. That way. Like, to me, just having a job. It's the stability. That's all it is. I don't- it's a means to be stable. It's not a means to have, like, passion. It's nice to hear that people have work they love so much. That they- I mean, I like the idea of that.
Adriana: Those people are weird.
Mom: I'm like, you could just work too.
Adriana: We just need a job to survive. Stop making it your passion. That's how they get you. That's how they want you to be. So you sacrifice yourself for your job.
Mom: Oh, is that right?
Adriana: What what was your, like, dream job as a child or as a young person?
Mom: I don't think I had a dream job. That's a good question.
Adriana: That's such a slay, good for you.
Mom: Yeah, I don't-
Adriana: You don't dream of labor.
Mom: Yeah, I don't dream of labor. My dream job is to stay home with my dogs. That's my dream job.
Adriana: Ugh, you're so real. But like after, I guess, after high school, less of like, what was the dream? But like, what was the intention? Because you went to art high school.
Mom: Well, I knew I didn't want to be in the field of art as an artist because they didn't make no money. So, I mean, I guess if I was an advertising executive, I would have been making some bank, but I didn't like it that much to keep it. So I mean, the trajectory was to do marketing because that was the business side of things and that's where there was money. So the goal has always been to have some kind of money, at the end of the day.
Adriana: But you weren't like, "I want to illustrate children's books" or something
Mom: No, no, I would have just worked at a marketing firm and whatever came through the door I would have try to sell. But I realized early on that I hated selling stuff. And so that just defeated that major. I also looked for a major in college that was not difficult to me. Cause like, the thought of doing accounting degree or finance or something too involved with economics- stuff that I really was bored by- I felt like that wasn't a good idea. So. And psychology seems also boring to me. I didn't have a passion to help people in that way.
Adriana: You don't wanna be a therapist? You would be so good!
Mom: No. I don't wanna solve people's-
Adriana: You and Titi Let could be like co-therapists, like a good cop bad cop situation.
Mom: I would definitely be the bad cop.
Adriana: She'd be like "Tell me how you feel. How does this make you feel?" And you'd be like, "Oh, my God, get over it. Shut up. Just-
Mom: Yeah, just move on. Move on.
Reflecting on the past year that I spent home, and our relationship
Adriana: I’m thinking about how we got to…just like, I don't know, kind of re-understand each other in a different way because now I'm an adult, allegedly, and- I don't know. You're in a new phase of life too.
But I feel like for me, like my twenties at least, this part of it has been a reconciliation between both you and I, of me seeing you as a whole person. And you- or trying to get you to see me as a whole person too, not just like you're my mother and that's it, and I'm your daughter, and that's it. So, like, going beyond this particular relationship we have and understanding each other's experiences, thoughts and feelings and, you know, everything that kind of makes us whole entire people, right? Not just this one kind of role that we have.
Mom: Right. Almost like getting to know each other. Yeah. Simply put. I don't feel like I know enough about you though. I think there's still stuff that you are reserved about sharing, so I'm waiting and interested in you- in the reserved parts, because I'm nosy, and because, you know, I want to know what, what goes through your mind...but yeah, I agree. It's time we get to know each other as, you know, adults. And, um. You know, you've had now a certain experience outside of being with me, having gone off to college and traveled. There are things that you did or experienced that it'll be interesting to know what's- how that shaped you in some way. For me.
Adriana: Yeah. I think also to the point of you feeling like you don't know certain things about me. I feel like for myself I don't know things about myself, still.
Mom: That makes sense.
Adriana: So I don't- yeah, I don't know that there's things really to share yet or like- I guess, I share them as I feel like I understand them for myself...It helps having, I think, this relationship where it's like we're both, I guess, I don't know- that we're both learning about me together, but I think in that, there comes like a balance of, I also learn about you to help it feel more like equal, right? Like less of the spotlight is on me.
Mom: I have a lot I could say.
Adriana: I know. I know you do. But it's like, it's also nice to be able to do that, I think, because it's not like that for everyone. I think it's- you have to have a very particular relationship and a very kind of keen sense of like safety and comfort in your relationship with your mother to be able to do that. Like, do you think you had this period with either grandmas?
Mom: I think certainly Grandma Nydia was easier to talk to about things. Grandma Iris...she's just too much of the old school, you know...Um, and I think she has more trouble accessing those communication skills that would be helpful to us.
Adriana: I, I guess more like in terms of, like her seeing you not only as a daughter and like you seeing her not only as a mother. Like, was there ever a point where you felt like, okay, now we're seeing each other as whole people, not just like mother and daughter?
Mom: No, I don't think so. I actually think Titi Andy probably has that kind of relationship with her more, because they were together for so long. There's a different level of camaraderie and trust between them that I don't have.
Adriana: Well, and I think you also just had a different experience being her daughter. So that opportunity to develop that [a] more adult relationship with her was, it was like altered in a way or just very different.
Mom: Right. It really was.
Adriana: Do you think you, made peace with that or, it's something that, like, you're still working through.
Mom: I don't know that working I'm through it; it's annoying and it bothers me so much, sometimes. But I don't feel like. I don't feel like I could make peace with it because she doesn't know how. You know what I mean? That makes it complicated.
As you see Daniel and I grow up, what has changed for you as a mother, and what has changed for you as a person?
Mom: Well as a person?I'm going to go start with that because it's easier as a person. You know, I'm kind of kind of learning what's next, right? Filling my time and my time always feels like it needs to be full. You know, what will I fill the space, the void space with? Will it be activities at church would be, you know, work. I haven't quite figured how to do that. Will, I finally go to the gym? There are just a lot of things.
Um, but as a parent, you know, just envisioning what, or waiting to see what those futures hold where you end up next, making sure that, like we talked about before, the values and the resources that were given helped you get where you want to be or do. Um, you know, I haven't seen you guys in relationships, so I'm actually looking forward to seeing how that develops in your lives.
Adriana: Don't.
(i was fighting the urge to say that the dating pool has poop and pee in it, here)
Mom: Oh, well, you know, I mean it's the, it's not that it has to be a definite or a, you know, it's not a requirement, I should say, but it is possible. And you know, what that looks like. You know, it's time-it's a, it's a new time. So, you know, now you guys have done school. You have your own space where you live. Meeting new people. Right? And you know, what that looks like and how that develops- there's always concern. Cause, you know, I'm the mother. That's what I do. But there's also excitement, I guess, to see how, to see what you or him might look like in love [laughs]. And, you know, the lack of experience, you know, always makes me a little worried. Of course, I have to find something to worry about only because I want to make sure that however you end up, it's it's right, you know? That you don't end up, I mean- the thought of somebody not being nice to the nice people I raised drives me crazy sometimes, but, yeah, I can control it.
Adriana: No, you can't.
Mom: Because that's another space, right, that you will need to learn. You know, I want to make sure that you really get- are appreciated respected, you know, the thought of anything else, is unacceptable.
Adriana: Well, I think that's also like a testament to kind of what your therapist talked to you about and like our understanding of, like, motherhood as this intense kind of worry, or at least how that has been the experience for you.
Mom: For me.
Adriana: It's like mitigating that worry with the fact that we are now at a point in our lives where the worry can't be expressed in like, a kind of management of what we're doing, you know?
Mom: Right. I mean, at this point, you are in your own space. You in particular are very far away, so by the time we'll really get to meet someone, it might be well into a relationship or, you know, well into a couple of relationships depending on, you know, how things go. So it will be interesting. But, you know, there's no- I say all this without pressure. You know, it's at your leisure. It's not. I don't need something else to talk about for you guys. I think the fact that you're making it on your own, able to meet your rent, able to somewhat to enjoy your job is a very big thing...I wouldn't have had the guts to do what you did.
I might have dreamed about it, you know, but certainly I didn't even dream about it. Why? That's the thing I wouldn't have dreamed about it. Because I had never traveled really before- I mean, Puerto Rico. I, you know, as a kid, but I had not been anywhere else. Florida, Puerto Rico, that’s the extent of, you know, like family vacations. So my exposure was so limited to things. Where you, you know, you have so many great, fun things. Exactly what I would have wanted you to do. I'm proud of it.
Adriana: Well I think that you did so much work to make sure that we knew the depth of possibilities that we had, you know, because that's not something, like you said, it's not something you had. So you wanted us to know that, like, the world was bigger. And I think within that, again, like just relating it back to the community aspect, is just like you were able to place us in a community, both with family and people from here, and other- just like everyone, everyone in our community also encouraged that for us and was an example for us. So, it wasn't just about like the success that you had in doing that on your own, but also like your ability to create an entire environment for us, that like supported that.
You did that.
Mom: That was that was the intent.
Adriana: You ate that.
Mom: And 'you' means I take a lot of credit alone. And clearly, while I take credit for most things-
Adriana: you should.
Mom: I don't want to dismiss the fact that your dad in his own right, put in quite a bit of work. He put in a lot of work, right, to do and be where he is today…
Adriana: …But I think in terms of like motherhood and the kind of aspects of- the social aspects that play into it, like gender and like family and things like that. Motherhood is such a completely different experience. Because I think it carries just so much personal weight. Right? Like, I have to do this. I have to sacrifice. I have to be better than like what I experienced. And I'm not saying this about dad specifically because I do think he does this, actually. But I think for men in general, there isn't that same sense of like reflection, and there isn't the same sense of like, the responsibility is solely on me to fix this for my child.
Mom: Well. Yes, that's true.
Adriana: Cause men are selfish and horrible people.
Mom: ...Did I answer all your questions.
Adriana: Yeah…I appreciate your time. I will not be compensating you for this. And I will say that I am very glad that you're my mother and that I feel very grateful that you were willing and able to put in the work to like end a lot of cycles of harm that you had to endure so that we felt cared for and loved and supported. And I'm glad that we have this kind of developing relationship that we do-
Mom: Me too. And it can only get better.
Adriana: Not if you’re mean to me.
Mom: Oh, well. That's always a possibility.
I am reconciling my own understandings of gender, capitalism, motherhood, Latinidad, and generational trauma/cycles, with things I am learning about myself, and things I am learning about my mother.
I am seeing unconditional love, enduring harm, “resilience,” and giving at the expense of yourself, for what it truly is. For what it has been for my mother.
I am recognizing that all my mother gave to my brother and I, to our friends, to our family, and to our community, is both a deep privilege, and, in a sense, a path expected of her by our deeply misogynistic, xenophobic, extractive, and isolationist society.
I am using this knowledge as the seeds for a relationship between my mother and I that emphasizes care, interdependence, and rest. I am using it to define a new relationship to myself, and what my future may or may not hold.
As much as our world tries to dictate otherwise, I believe that mothering is a communal act. Whether we recognize it or not, we are mothered by many.
It’s almost contradictory that mothering - this act of supporting, cultivating, and encouraging a child’s growth - is an act executed by so many, yet the expectation is that mothers work alone. The onus of a child’s flaws, successes, missteps, and everything in between, is on mother.
As we confront a future of further compromised autonomy (because, did we ever really have it?), in this post-Roe world, I think of my mom, and the intense sacrifices she made/makes, and the exhaustion she felt/feels being a mother. The struggles she’s had trying to end cycles of harm, to raise caring, kind, and good people. And she wanted kids.
I don’t really know what we do from here- at this point in time where kids, mothers, families are being used as collateral in this battle between the capitalist state and all who represent it, and the people who suffer under their rule.
I desperately wish for a world where mothering is held with the care and regard that we have demanded from it. Where my own mother can rest, laugh, and reflect on how much good she has brought to the world just by being herself. Where people can thoughtfully, ecstatically, and emphatically choose motherhood, knowing that if they slip up (because they are human) that a community of people behind them are there to catch them and their child, and help them keep going.
Thanks for reading.